Now that the sentimental birthday blog post has been written, and the lovely birthday weekend photos have been posted, it is time for another side of the story regarding these first 12 months with 3 kiddos.
It is the beauty AND the challenges that make up daily life with small children. Some days I focus more on the beauty, and some days the challenges overwhelm me. That is what this first year has been...a balancing act of beauty and challenges.
So as to make sure that this blog doesn't only highlight the beauty, here is a bit of reflection, advice, and honesty about the challenges of the first year with three kids...at least my first year...with my three nuts (currently 13 months, 3, and 6).
1.
Three is WAY harder than two. Whoever told me that the transition from two kids to three would be easier than one to two was either lying to a nervous pregnant woman, or they just have different/easier kids. In the early months we often referred to ourselves as a circus. In totally out-of-control moments we would hum the circus theme song to try to keep our sense of humor. Three kids is a machine that never stops, a constant juggling act, and a lot of work. Someone always has a need. Always.
2.
I'm done with babies. It has hit me that until I hold my babies' babies I will not have another infant of "my own" to swaddle, cradle, rock, and snuggle. That's going to be a LONG time. Chris asked me the other day if I was truly OK with not having another baby, and
I AM. I am at absolute peace that the pregnancy/bringing a new life into the world phase is done. In 6 years I was pregnant 6 times and delivered 4 babies. That chapter is closed and I am relieved. As much as I LOVE tiny new babies, I remember with crystal clarity how much work it is for the 9 months before they arrive, and also the 12 months after. All done.
3. Some days/weeks have been so intense, or exhausting, or boring, that
I have looked for work. I'm not kidding myself that being a working mom is easier, I have enough friends that juggle kids and work to know that is definitely not the case. No, I have looked for work because it sounds like a lovely escape from the monotony of the "Groundhog day life" that I lead some weeks. And a job would pay actual money, involve adult coworkers, and maybe even the opportunity for people to tell me I am doing a good job. But then I remember that I don't have any free family childcare and working part time would be cost-prohibitive and I stop job-hunting. This stay-at-home-mom gig is tough stuff some days.
4.
Live by family. I don't, but wish I did every day. That is all.
5. I was super proud of myself for nursing Hannah until she was 7 months old. That is longer than I nursed the other two (almost combined). There is actually very little that I enjoy about nursing, and I don't think that makes me a bad mom. It's just not my thing. When I did wean her, my "bad sleeper" started sleeping through the night and napping beautifully almost immediately. Coincidence? I think not. Lesson learned: sometimes two good things for your child can be mutually exclusive (breast milk and sleeping, in my case).
Motherhood is a constant negotiation of choices for our children and ourselves, and sometimes what is good for baby isn't great for mommy, and vice versa. That's OK. Make choices and move on.
6.
I can't meet everyone's needs. I just can't. With three I feel like there is alway someone who is short-changed. Allowing Hannah to nap when she needs to (in a crib) means a "boring" stay-at-home day for my would-rather-be-out-and-about 6 year old. Playdates for the grade-schooler (or mommy) often result in my little preschooler feeling left-out, which then leads to her trying to get attention with bad behavior. And the middle-child guilt, oooohhhhh, don't even get me started. I have to be OK with being so much less than they all need. In the end, I think embracing that I can't meet all their needs is healthier for everyone, because Mom
shouldn't be the only one to meet needs, and they will
always need so much more than I can give them. I want my kids to be resilient and creative and self-reliant people some day...so SEE, I am helping them right along that path with my deficiencies.
7. DUDE,
marriage is really hard work when you have little kids. Aside from not meeting all the kids needs, there is the matter of not meeting my own needs (e.g. rest, solitude), and not meeting my husband's needs (e.g. a wife not on the brink of a breakdown by 6pm). Life is so exhausting right now that we have little left for each other. Marriage doesn't work too well when it is a low-priority relationship, but it is hard to tell small children they need to take a backseat to holy matrimony. It is A LOT of work to go on dates, but we have been doing our best to do two a month and keep connected at home in any way possible. It has been a bumpy year, but we will keep working at it because we know that is the best thing we can possibly do for our kids...and because we love each other and made big promises to one another almost 11 years ago.
8.
Find something you can control. Just one thing. If I can keep the living room clean and the dining room table clear then I feel much better about life. Every mom should find something that can go in the "win" category for the day. It just helps.
9.
Find fuel for mama. For me, my fuel sources have been a combination of natural, legal stimulant, and spiritual. Exercise, coffee, my church small group and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) have kept me going many a week.
10.
Adjust expectations. I'm not the mom I was for one child. I'm not the mom I was for two children. I'm definitely not the wife I was before children. I'm not even the
person I was before children. Adjusting to the new, so-much-less, yet so-much-more, me has been hard, but nothing will leave me feeling more discouraged than trying to be an old version of me in this wild and crazy new life. ADJUST. This is a daily struggle, but I'm getting better and better at it.
I'm sure this is coming off as a "downer" post, and my mom will probably call because my grandma and her will be worried about me (I'M FINE MOM!). I'm just being honest. For the happy and beautiful side of things just see my post about
Hannah's birthday, or any of my
Favorite Five posts that are full of pictures of the three beauties that make my heart want to burst with the joy every day. I love being a
stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean it isn't really hard sometimes.
I feel beyond blessed, and beyond tired, every day, all at the same time. Beauty and challenges.
I recently read a great quote in the church bulletin and I wrote part of it on my kitchen window because I want it to be my new mantra as a mommy...
It's our job to be faithful to respond to the brokenness of culture with an eye for the Creator's original intent. That perspective enables us to create new cultural goods that reflect God's own essence by celebrating beauty, affirming goodness, telling the truth and serving the needs of others. With those responsibilities fulfilled, we are free to let God take care of the rest. Gabe Lyons, The Next Christians
On a daily and weekly basis I can and will do these things with my kids...
celebrate beauty
affirm goodness
tell the truth
serve the needs of others
And I will be free to let God take care of the rest.
