For the Love.

It is worth noting that this is my first post centered on WORDS and not pictures since this one in January 2014. Is it a coincidence that I actually WROTE SOME WORDS, and my kids started school (3rd, Kindergarten, and Preschool) in the same week? I THINK NOT. But I digress...

TODAY Jen Hatmaker's new book "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards" released. I've already read this lovely book twice, and I'd love to tell you about it, and share how it impacted me, because I really think you will enjoy and be impacted by it too.

The book came out TODAY and you've already read it TWICE?, you might ask. How observant of you! Here's the scoop.

Back in March I saw an invite to be part of a Launch Team for Jen Hatmaker's new book, coming out in August. I applied and I got a spot on the team, which was a fun little gift for me at a time when I was feeling kind of low and useless as I often do during my bi-annual stay-at-home-mom identity crisis. This Launch Team is basically a brilliant marketing approach where 500 women (of 5,000 applicants) were given an opportunity to get an advanced copy of the book so we could read it, create some buzz, and spread the word.

Hmmmm, read a book by an author I really enjoy and tell people about it…well, that's an easy gig. I'm in.

I haven't read any of Jen Hatmaker's 6 older books, but I was introduced to her a few years ago through "Out of the Spin Cycle", then my life was ROCKED by "Interrupted" (my favorite of her books!), and I was challenged and inspired by "Seven" (her most well-known). I recently had the opportunity to hear Jen at a women's conference in Santa Barbara and I am definitely a fan of her writing and speaking. She has a deep faith, a passion for Jesus, a gift for writing, she is honest and thought-provoking, and most importantly, SHE IS FUNNY. If you can speak about deep stuff and make me laugh while doing it, I like you.

Here is a sampling of a few of my favorite chapters in For the Love:

- Chapter 3: On Calling and Haitian Moms. In this chapter she basically encourages us to BE ALL THERE (doesn't that sound familiar, Emily?). "You don't need to wait another day to figure out your calling. You're living it, dear one. Your gifts have a place right now, in the job you have, in your stage of life, with the people who surround you. Calling is virtually never big or famous work; that is rarely the way the kingdom comes. It shows up quietly, subversively, almost invisibly. Half the time, it is unplanned - just the stuff of life in which a precious human steps in, the good news personified." (pg. 21)

- Chapter 5: Run Your Race. This chapter really made an impact on me and has encouraged me to write again. Jen Hatmaker challenges the reader to reflect on what they love to do and what they are good at…and to do it. Her encouragement helped me to think about writing a little differently. I have always written for a purpose…for school, a letter intended to accomplish or express something, an article to submit…but I want to get back to writing simply because I love to write. People who love to take pictures, take pictures. Those who love to run (not me!), run. People who enjoy painting, paint. Well, I love writing. Writing helps me think, and process, and honestly, I find it fun and energizing. I know talk is cheap, and words are everywhere, but no one can write my words but me. I'm not going to wait for someone to ask me to write, or pay me to write, I'm just going to write. FOR THE LOVE of it. This blog seems like as good a place as any to start, so I have made a goal to get back to writing at least one post a month. Since I officially have two in all-day school, and two mornings a week with my littlest in preschool, this goal seems attainable once more. I'm excited. Thanks, Jen Hatmaker. 

- Chapter 9: Hope for Spicy Families. I need hope for my Spicy Family and I will re-read this chapter regularly…for encouragement like this…

- Chapter 11: Dear Kids. In this chapter she sums up her biggest hopes for her kids, which are truly the same as mine. "Be kind. Be you. Love Jesus."

- Chapter 12:  Marriage: Have Fun and Stuff. Advice in this chapter includes 10 helpful things she has learned in 20 years of marriage: "1. You are not good at the same things and this is okay. 2. I'm all for honesty,  but pretending has its place. 3. I'm all for pretending, but honesty has its place. 4. Find best couple friends. 5. Lighten up. 6. Be nice. 7. Stick together spiritually. 8. Stop trying to change each other. 9. Have fun. 10. Have lots of sex." Enough said.

- Chapter 25: Dear Christians, Please Stop Being Crappy. Just YES! to everything in this chapter. 

- Chapters 8, 14, 20 and 24: Thank You Notes. These chapters made me laugh to tears while sitting alone in Starbucks. (Crazy lady!) The chapters are full of simple and hilarious notes of appreciation to things like Amazon Prime, Maxi Dresses, Daylight Savings, Siri, Target, Autocorrect, Spanx, Dry Shampoo, Automatic Flushing Toilets, School Fund-raisers,  etc etc etc. You know…like on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Here is what I'm talking about: "Thank you, Gym Childcare, for giving me the opportunity to watch TV, take a shower by myself, and drink a smoothie while reading a magazine. Oh! And work out too, but let's be honest, that's not the main reason I'm there. (And did I once check in my offspring, then scoot next door for sushi? Just let it go. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.) (p. 51)

- And then there is this little gem straight from Chapter 4: Fashion Concerns.

You guys, those are just a few of the 26 brief and delightful chapters that fill this book. Topics include: balance in life, pursuing your calling, marriage, school, kids, fashion, church, difficult people, turning forty, friendship, loving and serving others well. Honestly, reading this book is like sitting down to coffee with a friend. If Jen Hatmaker is already your friend, I guarantee you will love this read. If you don't know her yet, I think you will really like her after you spend time in this book, and then you will probably go on to read more of her stuff (may I recommend reading "Interrupted" next). 

Trust me. Get the book. Read it with a pen in hand. Be challenged, be encouraged, and LAUGH.

So there it is. I have read the book (twice), I have endorsed it (heavily), I bought a few copies and am excited for them to arrive today so I can start giving them away here and there. 

Launch little book, LAUNCH.

If you made it this far…thank you…also, first three people to comment get a free book from me. Ready, go.

My favorite endorsement:

"If Jimmy Fallon and Ann Voskamp birthed a literary love child they'd have to name it For the Love."

- Danielle Brower, wife, mom, lover of love, orphan advocate

Truth-telling: Reflections on my first year with 3 kids

Now that the sentimental birthday blog post has been written, and the lovely birthday weekend photos have been posted, it is time for another side of the story regarding these first 12 months with 3 kiddos.

It is the beauty AND the challenges that make up daily life with small children. Some days I focus more on the beauty, and some days the challenges overwhelm me. That is what this first year has been...a balancing act of beauty and challenges.

So as to make sure that this blog doesn't only highlight the beauty, here is a bit of reflection, advice, and honesty about the challenges of the first year with three kids...at least my first year...with my three nuts (currently 13 months, 3, and 6). 

1. Three is WAY harder than two. Whoever told me that the transition from two kids to three would be easier than one to two was either lying to a nervous pregnant woman, or they just have different/easier kids. In the early months we often referred to ourselves as a circus. In totally out-of-control moments we would hum the circus theme song to try to keep our sense of humor. Three kids is a machine that never stops, a constant juggling act, and a lot of work. Someone always has a need. Always.

2. I'm done with babies. It has hit me that until I hold my babies' babies I will not have another infant of "my own" to swaddle, cradle, rock, and snuggle. That's going to be a LONG time. Chris asked me the other day if I was truly OK with not having another baby, and I AM. I am at absolute peace that the pregnancy/bringing a new life into the world phase is done. In 6 years I was pregnant 6 times and delivered 4 babies. That chapter is closed and I am relieved. As much as I LOVE tiny new babies, I remember with crystal clarity how much work it is for the 9 months before they arrive, and also the 12 months after. All done.

3. Some days/weeks have been so intense, or exhausting, or boring, that I have looked for work.  I'm not kidding myself that being a working mom is easier, I have enough friends that juggle kids and work to know that is definitely not the case. No, I have looked for work because it sounds like a lovely escape from the monotony of the "Groundhog day life" that I lead some weeks. And a job would pay actual money, involve adult coworkers, and maybe even the opportunity for people to tell me I am doing a good job.  But then I remember that I don't have any free family childcare and working part time would be cost-prohibitive and I stop job-hunting. This stay-at-home-mom gig is tough stuff some days.

4. Live by family. I don't, but wish I did every day. That is all.

5. I was super proud of myself for nursing Hannah until she was 7 months old. That is longer than I nursed the other two (almost combined). There is actually very little that I enjoy about nursing, and I don't think that makes me a bad mom. It's just not my thing. When I did wean her, my "bad sleeper" started sleeping through the night and napping beautifully almost immediately. Coincidence? I think not.  Lesson learned: sometimes two good things for your child can be mutually exclusive (breast milk and sleeping, in my case). Motherhood is a constant negotiation of choices for our children and ourselves, and sometimes what is good for baby isn't great for mommy, and vice versa. That's OK. Make choices and move on.

6. I can't meet everyone's needs. I just can't. With three I feel like there is alway someone who is short-changed. Allowing Hannah to nap when she needs to (in a crib) means a "boring" stay-at-home day for my would-rather-be-out-and-about 6 year old. Playdates for the grade-schooler (or mommy) often result in my little preschooler feeling left-out, which then leads to her trying to get attention with bad behavior.  And the middle-child guilt, oooohhhhh, don't even get me started. I have to be OK with being so much less than they all need. In the end, I think embracing that I can't meet all their needs is healthier for everyone, because Mom shouldn't be the only one to meet needs, and they will always need so much more than I can give them. I want my kids to be resilient and creative and self-reliant people some day...so SEE, I am helping them right along that path with my deficiencies.

7. DUDE, marriage is really hard work when you have little kids. Aside from not meeting all the kids needs, there is the matter of not meeting my own needs (e.g. rest, solitude), and not meeting my husband's needs (e.g. a wife not on the brink of a breakdown by 6pm). Life is so exhausting right now that we have little left for each other. Marriage doesn't work too well when it is a low-priority relationship, but it is hard to tell small children they need to take a backseat to holy matrimony. It is A LOT of work to go on dates, but we have been doing our best to do two a month and keep connected at home in any way possible. It has been a bumpy year, but we will keep working at it because we know that is the best thing we can possibly do for our kids...and because we love each other and made big promises to one another almost 11 years ago.

8. Find something you can control. Just one thing. If I can keep the living room clean and the dining room table clear then I feel much better about life. Every mom should find something that can go in the "win" category for the day. It just helps.

9. Find fuel for mama. For me, my fuel sources have been a combination of natural, legal stimulant, and spiritual. Exercise, coffee, my church small group and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) have kept me going many a week.

10. Adjust expectations. I'm not the mom I was for one child. I'm not the mom I was for two children. I'm definitely not the wife I was before children. I'm not even the person I was before children. Adjusting to the new, so-much-less, yet so-much-more, me has been hard, but nothing will leave me feeling more discouraged than trying to be an old version of me in this wild and crazy new life. ADJUST. This is a daily struggle, but I'm getting better and better at it.

I'm sure this is coming off as a "downer" post, and my mom will probably call because my grandma and her will be worried about me (I'M FINE MOM!). I'm just being honest. For the happy and beautiful side of things just see my post about Hannah's birthday, or any of my Favorite Five posts that are full of pictures of the three beauties that make my heart want to burst with the joy every day. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean it isn't really hard sometimes.

I feel beyond blessed, and beyond tired, every day, all at the same time. Beauty and challenges.

I recently read a great quote in the church bulletin and I wrote part of it on my kitchen window because I want it to be my new mantra as a mommy...

It's our job to be faithful to respond to the brokenness of culture with an eye for the Creator's original intent. That perspective enables us to create new cultural goods that reflect God's own essence by celebrating beauty, affirming goodness, telling the truth and serving the needs of others. With those responsibilities fulfilled, we are free to let God take care of the rest. Gabe Lyons, The Next Christians

On a daily and weekly basis I can and will do these things with my kids...

celebrate beauty

affirm goodness

tell the truth

serve the needs of others

And I will be free to let God take care of the rest.

Thank you Michael J Fox

OK, it's time to admit it. I have been a bit whiny since Hannah came along. Not because of sweet Hannah, she is a fabulously easy baby. No, I have been whiny because sometimes when life feels so totally out of control I do that. I whine. Mostly to my husband.

Some of my whining is totally legitimate. I mean I do still have some major hormonal imbalance going on, I haven't slept properly since 2011, and I am still adjusting to the chaos that is now my life with three munchkins. Oh, and I don't live near family. And my husband doesn't get home from work until 6:30pm. And no matter how many times I go to the grocery store we just keep running out of food.  And the dishes. And the laundry, oh the laundry.

See what I mean? Wah wah wah. Whine, whine, whine.

Unfortunately for me, my husband doesn't really believe in whining. To make matters worse, he works with a segment of the population that actually has something to whine about, so my stay-at-home-mom woes probably seem ridiculous to him. Not that he says so. The thing is, whining makes me feel a bit better sometimes. When I whine I get it all out and that helps me let it go. If I whine (especially on Facebook) people will encourage me, validate how I'm feeling, give me a pep-talk, or take me by the shoulders and shake some sense back into me. Struggling in silence doesn't make sense to me. Whining allows for relationship and community and connection. Sometimes whining is simply being honest and keeping it real. Pollyanna can be annoying.

But.

I also think it is important to whine with some perspective. I think it is essential that in my whining I don't forget that I am whining about MAJOR blessings and privileges in my life. Like 3 kids, oh my goodness, what a gift. To think that the thing I spent years of my life worrying about (having babies and losing babies) is now my source of stress (3 kids ages 5 and under, good heavens!). And then there is the laundry and the dishes. Um, I have a dishwasher and washing machine! You see my point.

So I bet you are wondering where Michael J Fox fits in here. Well, last week I had a particularly whiny day and at some point during that day I started to think about something Michael J Fox said.

When my sister Katie was visiting we were watching Ellen one day and she had Michael J Fox as a guest. Being an Alex P Keaton loving child of the 80s I hung on his every word. Back to the Future aside, this guy is a pretty phenomenal human being. Here is someone who has been living with Parkinson's for 21 years talking about how "lucky" he is in life.

Michael J Fox told a story about a woman in Mozambique who was swept away in a terrible flood while in labor. This woman climbed a tree to safety and ended up giving birth to her baby...in a tree. Mom and baby were rescued from the tree and survived. Aside from the general amazingness of this story, it was how Fox uses the story in his own family that I will never forget.

When Michael J Fox's teenage girls complain, he looks at them and he says...A lady had a baby in a tree.

A lady had a baby in a tree. Perspective. And let us not forget that that lady lives in Mozambique.

Dinner is on the stove, my 5 year old has been talking continuously for 40 minutes, my 2 year old just peed on the floor, and the baby is crying. A lady had a baby in a tree.

My husband left for work at 6am and won't be home til 6pm, he has small group tonight, I've been home with all three kids all day, two of whom are sick. A lady had a baby in a tree.

I can't have dairy while I'm nursing, I can't seem to even start losing this baby weight, and I can't find the time or energy to exercise. A lady had a baby in a tree.

Keeping perspective can be hard when I am sleep-deprived. Whining can be easier. But no matter what feels hard and challenging to me in my day, sometimes I just need to keep in mind that... a lady had a baby in a tree. Thanks for that kick in the pants Michael J Fox.

Click here to see Ellen's interview with Michael J Fox.

Pride goeth before the baby

I am 36+ weeks pregnant and I am most definitely in need of support...not just for my belly and chest...I'm talking about needing support to make it through most days lately. I've reached my limit and I'm humbled.

The last three weeks have included: 2 big (planned) house projects completed...1 bigger (unplanned) house project that is still going on...countless trips to Home Depot...countless bathroom-related professionals in and out of the house all day long...limited time and space to rest and nap due to the house projects...a dog getting a major surgery that has included a major recovery and a minor complication...a 2 year old with 3 teeth coming in...NINE, count them NINE, separate visits to the offices of medical professionals for family members of the small, pregnant, and 4-legged variety...BH contractions the likes of which almost sent me to the hospital one afternoon...and a mother who has not been able to piece together much more than 5-6 hours of very interrupted sleep each night.

Shhhh...do you hear someone playing the world's saddest song on the world's smallest violin for me?

My point is, there has been A LOT going on. Too much. Some good things, some really challenging things, but too much for me right now with a (BIG) bun in the oven. Put a fork in me, I'm DONE.

The list above has forced me into something that I'm not great at...asking for and accepting HELP. I am a first-born, asking for help is not in my nature. Type A, first-borns like me are bred to be self-reliant, independent, helpers. Well, not now folks. As I said, pride goeth before the baby. Goeth, goeth, GONE.

I have recently had to ask, or have accepted the following...

- Can we nap/rest at your home for a few days this week?
- Can you take my 5 year old for a playdate this week? And no, I will not be reciprocating anytime soon.
- I know I am supposed to host Book Club tonight, but my kid is sick, can you host it for me instead?
- Honey, can you take a 1/2-sick-day today? And Thursday too? I need help!
- Hey neighbor, can you come watch my kids so I can go to the Dr. without my darling children?
- Grandma and Grandpa, can you come down and take the girls for a few hours every day next week?
- Can you pray for me? I mean really...regularly...specifically...pray for me?
- Sure you can stay here for an hour so I can run an errand without lugging around a 30lb 2 year old.
- Sure you can have my 0-6 month baby clothes to wash, fold, and organize.

I feel sooooo needy right now. I'm not good at being needy. But it has been REALLY good for me.

Sometimes in life we need to ask for help. A lot of times, actually. And you know what? Asking for and accepting help is good for relationships. Loved ones want to help. I love helping a friend or family member in need, and I'd be honored if they asked me for help, or took me up on my offer to help. Giving AND receiving help are a natural part of life. Giving AND receiving. That's how we make it through this life. That is how community is done.

And in case you have forgotten where "pride goeth before the fall" comes from...it wasn't Shakespeare (although he used it and is often credited for it)...it came from the Bible.
Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Pride stinks. It prevents intimacy. It can impact sanity. It often causes us to land flat on our faces. Pride doesn't really do anyone any good. Mine is gone and it actually feels OK. I need to remember this feeling, and not just let go of my pride in "desperate" times...like at 36 weeks pregnant...but regularly and habitually...LET IT GO.

And last, but not least, 

a BIG
HUGE

  THANK YOU

to so many who have offered, given, or forced me to accept help lately. 

Love you!

Why I have a doula for childbirth

I met with my doula today for the first time in this pregnancy. This will be the third time I am using a doula for childbirth and I wouldn't do it any other way.

If you haven't heard the term 'doula' before, I'll start with a couple definitions...

a non-medical assistant who provides physical, emotional and informational support in prenatal care, during childbirth and during the postpartum period

a labor companion who is trained and experienced in childbirth, and provides continuous physical and emotional support during labor, birth, and the immediate postpartum period

When I first heard about doulas I thought it sounded really "new-agey" and pictured a woman with dreadlocks and crystals and drums in the delivery room with us (which probably has happened, but isn't exactly my style).  But, as I looked into it I realized that having a doula present at childbirth actually goes waaaaaaaaaay back, like all the way back (have you read The Red Tent?), and is just a fancy term for what happens around the world everyday. A doula is simply a female helper for labor and childbirth. Doulas come in a variety of "styles."

Doulas are usually (but not always) associated with natural childbirth and that is indeed why I wanted to hire a doula for my first child's birth...I wanted to do it naturally.

Now before you get the wrong idea about me let me say that I didn't have a goal to have a nautral birth because I am an earth mother, a hero, or love pain. No, no. I wanted a natural childbirth because the REALLY big needle that goes in the spine scared me way more than the pain...and because I am a control freak who can't stand the thought of not being able to feel parts of my body during labor and delivery. Those of you who get the epidural...YOU are the brave ones...more power to you :)

Here are a few more reasons I choose to have a doula...

1. I didn't like the idea that my labor and delivery nurse would be a crapshoot (whoever happened to be on duty). I was worried about not clicking with the nurse, or that the nurse would have to change shifts or check on other patients or have hospital procedures/protocol competing with her attention to me. I wanted at least one familiar face (who knew what they were doing) in that delivery room with us.

2. My dear sweet husband wasn't going to have a clue how to help me through labor, so I wanted to take the pressure off of both of us for him to do a "good job". In the end Chris always does great supporting me, partly because he is able to follow the lead and expertise of the doula. Doulas don't replace husbands, they just make them look good. He would tell you he has been as grateful to have a doula present for the births of our children as I have been.

3. Since my goal was a natural childbirth I wanted someone helping me who wasn't going to suggest an epidural too quickly, even when things got crazy. The first time, we established a "three strikes" policy together meaning if I asked for an epidural 3 times the doula would inform the nurse, but the first two times she would try to help me keep going. Turns out my kids are born so fast I didn't even have time to ask once.

I cannot overstate the emotional and mental difference it makes for me (and my husband) to have a doula with us for the birth of our children. It takes a lot of stress out of the birth and gives me great peace of mind. Doctors and nurses and hospitals are wonderful and totally essential (for me), but I have loved having an extra trained professional during labor who is there to focus totally on me.

First post of the year

Not that anyone has been waiting with bated breath for me to post in 2012, but the reasons for not posting anything yet this year are many, including but not limited to...

- I am just now recovering from Christmas travel to Chicago and staying up past midnight with friends on New Year's Eve. Old, I'm seriously getting old.
- Since New Year's Day nothing has happened worth writing about. Nothing. Thank goodness.
- We just recently took down our Christmas decorations. How could I blog when I should be taking down the tree?
- I'm T-I-R-E-D, and frankly don't have many thoughts running through my head lately.
- MOPS is starting on Friday and any energy I do have has been directed toward preparing for our first meeting of the new semester.

But since I don't want to get totally out of the habit of writing, and since it is that time of year again, I will share a rough version of my New Year's Resolutions. I could write about 20 New Year's resolutions every year (I'm that kind of person), but I am going to limit myself to 5 for now.

January 5th sunset

Embrace the ocean and beach more. What's the name of this blog again? Be All There...wherever you are..."live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." Well, I believe moving to CA was God's plan for our family and I want to embrace the beach more...'cause that's where I am. I also want to grow in my love for the thing that my husband loves so much. I have brought the girls to the beach twice so far this year to watch the sunset and play in the sand (which always turns into playing in the water). It was a lot of work, not relaxing, messy, and way more tiring than putting on a TV show for them at 5pm, but MAN OH MAN watching the sun set over the ocean is a spiritual experience that trumps all of the aforementioned inconveniences. Not to mention that watching my kids at the beach is an extremely joyful activity for me. The beach and the ocean are spectacular works of art that I am incredibly blessed to have access to, and I want to get to know them both more. No Chris, this does not mean I am ready for surfing lessons quite yet. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Read more. I had good momentum with reading last year and want to keep it up. Right now I am reading Moloka'i for book club and I want to read One Thousand Gifts for myself.

Find a workout/exercise I love...and do it often. It might be yoga or pilates...or it could just be walking...I know it isn't running...and I don't even have to try Zumba to tell you that's NOT it. I want to keep experimenting and find a way to move and be healthy that I truly enjoy. I want to workout because it makes me feel good, not because I feel like I should do it or because it burns a lot of calories.

January 9th sunset

Keep dating. We managed to do 2 dates a month in 2011 and I think that is reasonable to strive for again this year. 2012 is the year we celebrate 10 years of marriage, after all.

Be more peaceful.  On the outside I may seem pretty peaceful to those who know me, but inside things are usually going a million miles an hour. I want to slow down. I want to be more present with my kids, more OK with a messy house, more at rest with myself and my daily circumstances. I really truly do want to be all there...wherever I am. I want to pray more and read the Bible more. I want to rest more on the inside and the outside. I want to have better margins in my life. Margins could be a resolution in and of itself, but I will lump it in here with being more peaceful. I want peace even in this crazy exhausting toddler/preschool stage of life.

2012 has a nice ring to it and I am really excited for this year.

What feminism looks like for me (as a mother of girls)

Feminism is a broad, loaded, and complex movement/ideology/theory.

Feminism touches politics, economics, education, religion, family, the workplace, and MOTHERHOOD.

I was raised in a household of all girls, and since we didn't have brothers to watch and compare ourselves to, there wasn't much questioning regarding what girls can do and what boys can do.  My parents raised us to believe (and I still do) that we could do anything we wanted in life.  

To tell you the truth, I never thought about feminism much...until I became a mother of a girl. Then, suddenly, I saw all of the inequality and injustice toward women in the world and my heart raced and ached toward making sure my girls knew they could be anything, and do anything, they wanted in life. My heart is bent on my girls having a strong and healthy self-concept and self-confidence.

I came across a feminist scholar named bell hooks (she purposely doesn't capitalize her name...how, er, feminist of her???) in grad school and I like what she has to say about feminism. You have to read this slowly to absorb it...

“Visionary feminism is a wise and loving politics. It is rooted in the love of male and female being, refusing to privilege one over the other. The soul of feminist politics is the commitment to ending patriarchal domination of women and men, girls and boys. Love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion. Males cannot love themselves in patriarchal culture if their very self-definition relies on submission to patriarchal rules. When men embrace feminist thinking and practice, which emphasizes the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in all relationships, their emotional well-being will be enhanced. A genuine feminist politics always brings us from bondage to freedom, from lovelessness to loving.”  - bell hooks

Amen sister!

I've been reflecting on what feminism looks like for me as a mother of girls on a day-to-day basis, and here are just a few things I have come up with, a few choices I make in order to live out and reinforce certain messages for my kids:

- Books. I like reading books with my kids that highlight moms and dads sharing responsibilities equally. I also look for books that highlight women doing jobs and tasks that the world often assigns to men (carpenter, doctor, dentist, law enforcement, etc.)

- We don't do Barbies. I don't judge you if you do (I was raised playing with them), we just don't.

- I watch my language, especially about appearance and beauty. I did a post about this issue, here.

- I talk to my kids about the fact that staying home to care for them is MY JOB. A blog post I did on that topic (which I will make them read some day), is here. And I always share how blessed I feel that it is my job. Why is this important and "feminist"? Number one, I would never want my girls to grow up and think that being a stay-at-home-mom isn't work. Number two, and most importantly, being an empowered woman doesn't necessarily mean you are a working-outside-of-the-house-for-a-paycheck-mom... and being a stay-at-home-mom doesn't mean you are a disempowered servant. Feminists an be stay-at-home-moms too!

- We go to a church where one of the pastors on staff is a woman. She is a great speaker/leader/teacher. I want my girls to see women up front at church preaching, praying, serving communion, and leading in a variety of roles. Samantha once asked me why all the Bible stories are about boys. Whoa-nelly. The thing is, there are PLENTY of amazing women in the Bible, but she is right, the most often highlighted stories in the Bible are about men. I absolutely positively need to do all I can to reinforce that God loves men and women equally...and He gifts and uses men and women in sometimes different, but equally important, ways. We are all created in His image.

- Dad's role and responsibilities. This is my big one. From the very beginning of parenthood I made a conscious decision not to "own" certain aspects of parenting. I made sure to empower my husband to do all the tasks that I did, and I did my best not to criticize when he did things (as he always does) very differently than me. Parenting is not mother's work. Like bell hooks said, I refuse to privilege the role of mother over father. I don't want my girls thinking that dad's don't do things like change diapers, pick out clothes, make meals, give bottles, or do laundry...oh wait, he doesn't do laundry...ever...oops, better work on that one :) Oh yeah, and dad's don't "babysit" either. It isn't babysitting when it is your own kids. To be honest, I constantly have to work on this general issue. It is much easier to just do things myself. However, if I don't share responsibilities with my husband then I send the message to my kids, my husband, and myself that certain things are all a mom's job...and I don't like that message...or the workload it carries.

I could go on and on, but I've said enough for now. As a woman and a mom I agree with bell hooks' concept of visionary feminism which refuses to privilege male over female, or female over male. OF COURSE men and women do things very differently, and we are most definitely not "the same." But in our differences we need to empower each other, get rid of domination, and encourage mutual growth and self-actualization. And I think all of that starts in the home.

I want my girls to grow up the same way I did...thinking they can do ANYTHING. That's my point. And the responsibility of imparting that message is shared by me AND my husband.

Kids Books...10 of our Favorites

Ok, let's be honest...there are a lot of WEIRD kids books out there.

You know the kind. The ones you stumble through because the writing is cumbersome, or the kind where you close the back cover and think "what was that about?" or "what was the message there?" or "I need to screen these suckers before we bring them home from the library." Is it just me who has had this experience?

I recently heard a speaker at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group who spoke about the power and importance of stories. He emphasized that kids learn through stories, not lectures or speeches. We have all had the experience of learning something important through a story, and kids books are no exception.

In the spirit of giving gift suggestions, you can't go wrong with books, and here are 10 of our family favorites. These are books that have wonderful lessons to share, reinforce certain values, are fun to read, and many of them are beautifully illustrated as well.

Here we go...

#1 This is a great book for exposing kids to travel, adventure, and other countries, while also reinforcing that it is A-O-K to be a homebody and enjoy your humble abode and familiar surroundings.

#2  I seriously get choked up almost every time I read this (although, for me, that isn't saying much). This gorgeous book speaks to the fact that every child is unique, amazing, and one-of-a-kind. It makes a great baby gift too.

#3  LOVE this book! My girls enjoy seeing the faces of kids from all over the world and it helps introduce the the idea that even when we look different we have so much in common with each other. I've never seen this book in a store, but you can get it through Amazon or Compassion.

#4 The feminist in me loves this book. The thriftiness in me loves it too, because it is two books in one. The message here is that Mommies and Daddies can do the same things. Dads can sew and Moms can throw baseballs. Yes, indeed.

#5 A great book for introducing adoption. This book highlights China adoption, and is about a single mom.

#6 A touching story about giving and sharing and the reward of friendship that can come from doing so.

#7 This is the best kids book I have read that portrays life in another country, that country being Kenya. It is beautifully illustrated, has a different sort of African cadence, and teaches a few Swahili words too.

#8 This series is so great for keeping kids connected and familiar with special places for your family.

#9  Best kids Bible. Honestly, I think every adult also needs to read this book from cover to cover. It is a like a CliffNotes version of the Bible and can teach old and young alike that the Bible truly is one continuous love story, from start to finish. Think of it as The Message for kiddos.

#10  And in the spirit of the season, I don't think a more magical or beautiful Christmas tale will ever be written. I still get chills when I read it.

Never underestimate the power of stories.

Whether for your own family, or another, books are always a great gift. 

But not the weird ones.

Happy Christmas shopping. 

What is your favorite kids book?

Unthinkable

Over the last week I have been thinking of the unthinkable. Losing a child. And I've been a bit rocked.

I just finished Choosing To SEE, the book by Mary Beth Champan (wife to Steven Curtis Chapman), where she shares about the loss of their 5 year old daughter. Then, last week, I learned of a 4 year old little girl in our community who's life ended very suddenly.

A 5 year old girl struck and killed in the family's driveway by her brother. Unthinkable.
A 4 year old girl, trick-or-treating one night and gone 3 days later. Unthinkable.
The loss of a child...in any way...at any age. Totally unthinkable.

Both of these tragedies speak to the pain and brokenness of this world in which we live. These stories are the greatest fear of any parent. When the unthinkable happens what are we to think?

My husband didn't understand why I would want to read this book (especially when he would see me crying my way through it). I was drawn to read Mary Beth's story out of connection to her husband's music and their family's experiences with China adoption. But more than that, I was drawn to read this story out of humanity, and the chance to stare my greatest fear in the face by reading how this family faced their darkest days imaginable. I wanted to see how a mother survives a loss like the Chapman family suffered. I share the same faith as this family and I wanted to see how their faith was impacted, and how their faith impacted them.

Mary Beth Chapman wrote this book to show people that, despite the unthinkable, God is still God, and God is still good. But this was not a conclusion she came to easily.  In addition to gaining insight on the grief process and learning how to better support those in my life who have suffered unthinkable losses, I closed the book on Tuesday and concluded the same thing as Mary Beth...God is still God, and God is still good...even in the face of unthinkable darkness.

Two things (among many) Mary Beth Chapman wrote really stuck out to me.

"...I would have lived much differently. I would have purposely hugged and kissed more. I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles. I would have colored more and worked less. I would have laughed more and fussed less." (p. 211)

"I've now read so many books on grief that I should have a degree, but you know what? There isn't any one way to do it. My story isn't yours, and your story isn't mine. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing people who are suffering and grieving have in common, at least if you believe as I do (as a Christian), is the One who suffered for us. And the Father, who grieved for Him going to the cross, understands." (p. 255)

What would you do, how would you do, if the unthinkable happened? To whom would you cling and trust and depend if the unthinkable happened?  What do you know to be true even in the face of the unthinkable?

Think about it.

When fake becomes normal and real becomes NEW!

I recently discovered this NEW! product, and I think it's worth sharing with you.

First of all...CHEESY name.  Natural Bliss.  Really? I mean my morning cup is blissful and all, but that is some advertising puffery if I have ever heard it.

So why is this product worthy of my enthusiasm? Here it is. I have my one cup of coffee and 1 tbsp of Coffee-mate vanilla creamer EVERY MORNING...without fail....or I get a raging headache. I generally live by an "everything in moderation" philosophy when it comes to food and don't stress too much about the things I consume infrequently. But when it comes to something I drink every single day of my life...without fail...or I get a raging headache...I should probably pay attention to the labels.

Here are the ingredients of the regular Coffee-mate vanilla liquid creamer that I was totally addicted to: Water, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, and/or Cottonseed Oil, Natural Flavors and Artificial Flavors, Dipotassium Phosphate, Sodium Caseinate, (Milk Derivative), Titanium Dioxide, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Polysorbate 60,Carrageenan, Betacarotene. Color.  
That would be SIXTEEN ingredients, most of which sound like words from a chemistry course.

Here are the ingredients of Natural Bliss:  Nonfat milk, heavy cream, sugar, natural flavor.
That's it. I recognize all those words. All FOUR of them. And none of those things were recently invented. So I've switched to Natural Bliss. 

And one more thing. I find it very entertaining and ironic that the "natural" product is NEW!  I'm pretty sure milk, cream, sugar, and natural flavor aren't new discoveries. So why didn't they just come up with the 4-ingredient version first? Was it easier to invent the product with the 16 ingredients? How did the fake product become normal, causing the real thing to seem new and exciting?

And all this got me thinking...what else in our lives is actually a substitute that we accept and treat as the real thing? Other food and drink?  Sure, lots. What about communication?  Is Facebook/texting/twitter truly decreasing our need and desire for face to face communication? Or it's like when my child sees a dolphin jump in the ocean and screams, "It's like Seaworld!" NOOOOOOO sweetie, other way around. 

I want to be more careful not to let fake become normal so that real becomes novel.

What I would have said...

This past weekend was a really special weekend. 

We were in Santa Barbara for our 10 year college reunion. 

In addition to Homecoming festivities, we had a great time with our California family (it was so kind of my in-laws to move to Santa Barbara 8 years ago!), spent time with dear friends, met two brand new baby girls who belong to two of my bridesmaids/friends, and even had two date-nights at fabulous restaurants on State St (Jane & Tupelo Junction Cafe).

But back to Homecoming...while it truly is a college, I will admit, Westmont looks more like a summer camp (which is precisely why I wanted to go there!). It is a small Christian liberal arts college (smaller than my high school, in fact) nestled in the hills of Santa Barbara. I went to public schools for K-12, and a large state university for graduate school, but a small private Christian school was definitely the right choice for me for college. To say I was blessed and am incredibly thankful to have received a stellar education at Westmont College would be a GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT.  Every time I am back there I am more and more thankful...to the point of being a little overwhelmed actually.

As I walked around the ridiculously gorgeous campus where I lived for three years I would watch students walk by and have a strong desire to stop them and talk to them. But, I didn't. Mostly because I was trying to keep Abby from rolling down a hill or falling off a rock...that, and I didn't want to be some old alum interrupting them with sentimentality and perspective.

Here is what I would have said to them.  

Actually, here is what I would have said to "freshman in college Emily" 14 years ago...

- These aren't the "best years of your life," but they are certainly wonderful and unique years. You may think you are stressed, and have a lot on your plate, but YOU DON'T.  Soak up this time where you can focus on you, I don't think there will be another time like it as long as you live.

- Never say never.  In fact, if you say "never" you can pretty much be assured it will happen.  Click here if you don't believe me.

- Enjoy Chapel thoroughly.  Being able to attend chapel three times a week, sing hymns with the student body, and listen to really great speakers/teachers is a LUXURY you will likely never have again. Don't study during Chapel, soak it up. Your spiritual life is more important than cramming for that test.

- Pay attention in class.  Learn.  Really really learn. When you get older you will wish you had enjoyed and learned/retained more in about every class (except for intro-level chemistry...don't worry about that one.)

- Invest in friendships as much as studies.  The content of your classes, and results of your BA will only take you so far, but your deep and committed friendships will be there for you for the rest of your life.

- Skip class more.  Get the notes from a friend, but seriously, go for more hikes in the hills and spend more time just sitting at the beach.  I know you aren't really the skipping class type, but at least ditch the library and study at the beach more.  Invest in a really good beach chair and don't forget to wear a hat and lots of sunscreen.

- Don't be opposed to meeting your husband while in college (cuz you're going to).  Marriage is great. While you will never have the "single and living downtown Chicago" phase of life that you pictured, you will never want one less day married to your best friend.

- You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, creative enough. And you are loved more than enough by your parents and your Creator. You are enough. Relax.

Now I wish I could read what I would have said to myself about this crazy 

preschool/baby/staying-at-home-with-kids phase of life. 

I'll bet it would be something to the effect of...

ENJOY EVERY MINUTE, IT WILL GO SO FAST.

Wisdom from Rascal Flatts (heavy topic alert: miscarriage)

Two statements about this post...

1. If you are pregnant, skip this post. Google baby names, or better yet, take a nap.

2. This is a post I am nervous to publish because it is so vulnerable, and well, it is kind of a downer. BUT this is also a topic I think women (and men) need to talk about more freely, so that is what I am doing here.

...God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you.
                               Rascal Flatts, "Bless the Broken Road"

I know this song is about a broken road toward true love, but for me it speaks of miscarriage. Yes, miscarriage. Allow me to explain.

One thing I have learned over the past 10 years of life and marriage it is that the road to building a family is rarely straight, predictable, or what you thought it would be like. Mine certainly wasn't.  I started our marriage working in the adoption field for a few years so I never had illusions that building a family was smooth or easy.  A lot of people adopt because they have a heart or calling to do so. A lot of people also start or build a family through adoption because the biological route isn't working, or is too heart-wrenching.

Despite the fact that I worked with and for adoptive families who had often traveled a broken road toward the adopted-loves-of-their-lives due to infertility or pregnancy loss, I did still have illusions that the road would be straight for me.  But it wasn't.  I have been pregnant 5 times, and I have 2 children at home. My story is in the math.

My first two miscarriages were "standard" early miscarriages at 6 or 7 weeks. I went through the normal range of emotions and thoughts. Surprise. Sadness. Fear. Shame. What is wrong with me? Was this my fault somehow? Will I be able to get pregnant again? Will I miscarry again? I felt the weight of my own disappointment, but I also felt like I was carrying the weight of so many other people's dreams and hopes (loving husband, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunt/uncles, cousins, nieces/nephews, friends etc.).

The term miscarriage is one simple word that represents so many different experiences. Different physical experiences.  Different emotional experiences. If a miscarriage occurs before a first child, after a first child, or after a third...it doesn't matter...loss is loss and it hurts at any stage of family-building. Miscarriage is also a very generic medical term that is used for radically different medical and personal situations and experiences (3rd loss in a row, miscarriage after IVF, miscarriage after stillbirth, pregnancy loss at home, missed miscarriage, loss requiring a D&C, etc. etc. etc.).

Twenty months after the birth of my first daughter I experienced a loss that the medical world calls a miscarriage, but I call a stillbirth. I lost a baby boy at 18 weeks. While he had no chance of survival outside of my womb at 18 weeks, he was a perfect and healthy baby. 18 weeks into a smooth and uneventful pregnancy I suddenly and unexpectedly went into labor due to an infection no one knew I had.  After a rapid and terrible sequence of events, that will always be both a blur and crystal clear to me, I was in the ER, and I was handed the tiny perfect baby I had just delivered. It was a boy. He was wrapped in a blanket, and he never moved or breathed in my arms. I got to hold him for two hours until my husband and I were ready to say good-bye. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Flawlessly formed. We named him Benjamin. He was my son. 

What is the point of sharing this story?  What is the point of this post?  

I'll tell you.  There are a few things I want you to know about miscarriage based on my personal experiences, the experiences of people I love, and all the times I have said or done the wrong thing. Some of this may resonate for you, some of it may not. 

- Speak with sensitivity about the number of kids people have, or the spacing of their children.  There is often a story behind how a family came to be.  And that story often includes a miscarriage, or another form of loss.  Don't assume.

- If you have had a miscarriage, talk about it. Find someone else who has been down a similar broken road and support each other.  When I experienced my third loss I received tears and support from women who lost babies 10 and 20 years ago, some women I barely knew.  Miscarriages sting no matter how long it has been, and women who have experienced miscarriage often have empathy and comfort to give. No one understands your exact experience, but some understand it more than others - find those people.  Don't bare the weight on your own.  Husbands are a great source of support, but they experience miscarriage in a very different way and they are often too emotionally close to the situation. Find another woman and lean.

- Infertility and miscarriage are different.  There is loss involved with both experiences, but they are not the same.  And no two experiences of miscarriage or infertility are the same either.  While women who have experienced miscarriage and infertility can support each other, there are always major differences that should be respected.

- Go there. No one will ever have the perfect thing to say, but in my experience, saying something wrong with love and good intent is WAY better than saying nothing at all. Give a hug. Send a card. Say a prayer. And follow up. Don't be afraid of making someone cry by asking how they are doing. Walk with your friends, family, and loved ones when they experience a loss. 

-   Broken roads can lead to blessings and good things...eventually. Sometimes broken roads lead to other children. My broken road led to two little girls that otherwise would never have been in my life.  Sometimes broken roads lead to children, but sometimes they lead to other things... a move, a job, a closer marriage, greater empathy, intimacy with God, opportunities to reach out to others. Follow your broken road to see where it may lead.

What I want you to know is that miscarriages happen...all the time. Miscarriages happen and it shouldn't be a secret. Miscarriages happen and often create a broken road.  Our broken roads are our stories.  Our broken roads can lead to someone, or something, great.

The "weather" and RSAD (reverse seasonal affective disorder)

Tomorrow is the first day of fall. This is the time of year that I get what my sister just named "reverse seasonal affective disorder." RSAD.

Unlike regular seasonal affective disorder (SAD), where people get moody and a bit depressed during the winter due to lack of sunlight and short days, I feel down during the fall because it is TOO DANG SUNNY AND NICE, and frankly it feels way more like summer than fall. I really, really miss fall.

Now people here will tell you that we have fall in San Diego, but that is probably because they are natives and don't really know what fall is supposed to be like. Oh they bring out the pumpkin patches around town, Target does sell hats and gloves (bah!), people go apple-picking, and there are a few trees that change color around here (I have been known to re-route just to drive by certain trees)...but it's not fall...not in my book anyway.  To me, it's "fall."

In my mind, you should dress your kids like this for an afternoon at the pumpkin patch:

Not like this:

And while I'm on the subject of things that should have quotation marks around them (like "fall"), I'm just going to keep it real here for a minute...we don't even have weather in San Diego, we have "weather." Here's my disclaimer, I'm from Chicago where they definitely have WEATHER.  And I moved here after 7 years in Colorado where there is also full-fledged WEATHER.  But San Diego...no, not much weather. I'm not complaining, just reporting.

The biggest spread between the yearly average low and the yearly average high is less than 30 degrees.  Get the picture?  Average low in December = 49 (brrrr!).  Average high in August = 78 (scorching!). But perhaps in an attempt to fit in with the rest of the country, San Diegans like to talk about weather.  There isn't much to talk about.  I know, I know, it's all relative, and for native San Diegans it IS weather, and it IS fall, and I try to respect that...I try, but I fail.

The weather reports around here are a constant source of entertainment for me because they like to make a really big deal about really little things.  The weather people use terms very loosely like "humid" (40-50%, maybe) and "cold" (one time there was frost on our car when we woke up...one time) and "storm" (a little rain, a little wind). This morning I heard someone on the radio say, "It's a chilly morning in San Diego...67."  Really? Chilly? In February I remember watching coverage of Chicago's biggest snow storm (3rd biggest in history) and NBC cut to the local San Diego weather guy who honestly said, "It's going to be cold out there today. Bundle up your kids." He was referring to 50s, maybe. I laughed out loud.  Bundle up the children? You mean in their light-weight fleece jackets??? These weather people should be a little embarrassed of themselves because the forecast usually looks something like this:

We do have a few interesting weather phenomena here that are worth mentioning, I suppose, like:
     - the marine layer (fog and grey skies which often don't clear until mid-morning) It's hard, I know.
     - the Santa Ana winds (dry and warm off-shore winds)
     - "May grey" and "June gloom"(cloudy overcast skies, often all day long) Don't plan your family 
     vacation to San Diego during these months. Don't feel bad for us either...remember, avg Dec low = 49. 

So back to "fall".  I REALLY miss fall. REAL fall.

I miss a nip in the air, and putting on jackets because you have to, not because you want to change your wardrobe. I miss wool and down.
I miss seeing my breath in the autumn temperatures. I miss drinking hot beverages because you really need them to heat you up. I miss trick-or-treaters who have to wear warm coats over their cute little costumes and flash you at the door to show you their get-ups. I miss football games huddled together with other hat and glove-wearing individuals. I miss mountainsides of bright, bold, glorious yellow. I miss the build up to snow and Christmas (oh, don't even get me started on how hard it is for me to get in the Christmas spirit here). Pumpkins, candy corn, cider, stew, and changing trees go with COLD weather, not 62 degrees. I've tried the fake it til you make it approach where I dress like it is really cold outside, but you know what?  I sweat.

This will be my third "fall" here in San Diego and I can already feel the RSAD coming. If we hadn't traveled so much this summer I would be booking tickets to Chicago.  My husband always reminds me that we can drive to the mountains for cooler temps, but that is different than living in it on a day-to-day basis.

I was born and raised in the Midwest.  My mother is a winter-loving Scandinavian. I come by this disorder honestly. And I honestly don't think it will change. In some ways I am determined that it NOT change. I don't want to become a weather sell-out and join the ranks of the other weather wimps of California (sorry if that offends you, but it's true). I have a lot of family in the Midwest and I do have some pride and heritage I need to preserve.

And on that note, I am going to look in to tickets to Chicago for Christmas...where it is sure to be frigid and miserable and hopefully white...like Christmas should be.