Favorite Five: September

What a month September has been.

First steps, first lost tooth, school in full swing, enjoying summer weather.

This month ended with a wonderful trip to Colorado for a reunion (more on that soon).

Here is a glimpse of September.

She's a climber. Every chair. Every stair. She is everywhere!

Sam taking in the last bit of sun after surfing with Daddy.

Where I feel closest to God. The mountains are my happy place.

 Cuteness.

High altitude kiss.

Truth-telling: Reflections on my first year with 3 kids

Now that the sentimental birthday blog post has been written, and the lovely birthday weekend photos have been posted, it is time for another side of the story regarding these first 12 months with 3 kiddos.

It is the beauty AND the challenges that make up daily life with small children. Some days I focus more on the beauty, and some days the challenges overwhelm me. That is what this first year has been...a balancing act of beauty and challenges.

So as to make sure that this blog doesn't only highlight the beauty, here is a bit of reflection, advice, and honesty about the challenges of the first year with three kids...at least my first year...with my three nuts (currently 13 months, 3, and 6). 

1. Three is WAY harder than two. Whoever told me that the transition from two kids to three would be easier than one to two was either lying to a nervous pregnant woman, or they just have different/easier kids. In the early months we often referred to ourselves as a circus. In totally out-of-control moments we would hum the circus theme song to try to keep our sense of humor. Three kids is a machine that never stops, a constant juggling act, and a lot of work. Someone always has a need. Always.

2. I'm done with babies. It has hit me that until I hold my babies' babies I will not have another infant of "my own" to swaddle, cradle, rock, and snuggle. That's going to be a LONG time. Chris asked me the other day if I was truly OK with not having another baby, and I AM. I am at absolute peace that the pregnancy/bringing a new life into the world phase is done. In 6 years I was pregnant 6 times and delivered 4 babies. That chapter is closed and I am relieved. As much as I LOVE tiny new babies, I remember with crystal clarity how much work it is for the 9 months before they arrive, and also the 12 months after. All done.

3. Some days/weeks have been so intense, or exhausting, or boring, that I have looked for work.  I'm not kidding myself that being a working mom is easier, I have enough friends that juggle kids and work to know that is definitely not the case. No, I have looked for work because it sounds like a lovely escape from the monotony of the "Groundhog day life" that I lead some weeks. And a job would pay actual money, involve adult coworkers, and maybe even the opportunity for people to tell me I am doing a good job.  But then I remember that I don't have any free family childcare and working part time would be cost-prohibitive and I stop job-hunting. This stay-at-home-mom gig is tough stuff some days.

4. Live by family. I don't, but wish I did every day. That is all.

5. I was super proud of myself for nursing Hannah until she was 7 months old. That is longer than I nursed the other two (almost combined). There is actually very little that I enjoy about nursing, and I don't think that makes me a bad mom. It's just not my thing. When I did wean her, my "bad sleeper" started sleeping through the night and napping beautifully almost immediately. Coincidence? I think not.  Lesson learned: sometimes two good things for your child can be mutually exclusive (breast milk and sleeping, in my case). Motherhood is a constant negotiation of choices for our children and ourselves, and sometimes what is good for baby isn't great for mommy, and vice versa. That's OK. Make choices and move on.

6. I can't meet everyone's needs. I just can't. With three I feel like there is alway someone who is short-changed. Allowing Hannah to nap when she needs to (in a crib) means a "boring" stay-at-home day for my would-rather-be-out-and-about 6 year old. Playdates for the grade-schooler (or mommy) often result in my little preschooler feeling left-out, which then leads to her trying to get attention with bad behavior.  And the middle-child guilt, oooohhhhh, don't even get me started. I have to be OK with being so much less than they all need. In the end, I think embracing that I can't meet all their needs is healthier for everyone, because Mom shouldn't be the only one to meet needs, and they will always need so much more than I can give them. I want my kids to be resilient and creative and self-reliant people some day...so SEE, I am helping them right along that path with my deficiencies.

7. DUDE, marriage is really hard work when you have little kids. Aside from not meeting all the kids needs, there is the matter of not meeting my own needs (e.g. rest, solitude), and not meeting my husband's needs (e.g. a wife not on the brink of a breakdown by 6pm). Life is so exhausting right now that we have little left for each other. Marriage doesn't work too well when it is a low-priority relationship, but it is hard to tell small children they need to take a backseat to holy matrimony. It is A LOT of work to go on dates, but we have been doing our best to do two a month and keep connected at home in any way possible. It has been a bumpy year, but we will keep working at it because we know that is the best thing we can possibly do for our kids...and because we love each other and made big promises to one another almost 11 years ago.

8. Find something you can control. Just one thing. If I can keep the living room clean and the dining room table clear then I feel much better about life. Every mom should find something that can go in the "win" category for the day. It just helps.

9. Find fuel for mama. For me, my fuel sources have been a combination of natural, legal stimulant, and spiritual. Exercise, coffee, my church small group and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) have kept me going many a week.

10. Adjust expectations. I'm not the mom I was for one child. I'm not the mom I was for two children. I'm definitely not the wife I was before children. I'm not even the person I was before children. Adjusting to the new, so-much-less, yet so-much-more, me has been hard, but nothing will leave me feeling more discouraged than trying to be an old version of me in this wild and crazy new life. ADJUST. This is a daily struggle, but I'm getting better and better at it.

I'm sure this is coming off as a "downer" post, and my mom will probably call because my grandma and her will be worried about me (I'M FINE MOM!). I'm just being honest. For the happy and beautiful side of things just see my post about Hannah's birthday, or any of my Favorite Five posts that are full of pictures of the three beauties that make my heart want to burst with the joy every day. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean it isn't really hard sometimes.

I feel beyond blessed, and beyond tired, every day, all at the same time. Beauty and challenges.

I recently read a great quote in the church bulletin and I wrote part of it on my kitchen window because I want it to be my new mantra as a mommy...

It's our job to be faithful to respond to the brokenness of culture with an eye for the Creator's original intent. That perspective enables us to create new cultural goods that reflect God's own essence by celebrating beauty, affirming goodness, telling the truth and serving the needs of others. With those responsibilities fulfilled, we are free to let God take care of the rest. Gabe Lyons, The Next Christians

On a daily and weekly basis I can and will do these things with my kids...

celebrate beauty

affirm goodness

tell the truth

serve the needs of others

And I will be free to let God take care of the rest.

Favorite Five: August

What the hoopla happened to summer?
8 weeks went by in a flash. I can't believe school has started again.

Here is a little glimpse of August...the before school part of the month.

Lots of sister time.

The 3 son-in-laws took my Dad to Colorado to celebrate the big 60!
I had to include this great shot of four of the best guys on earth.
Although being home alone with 3 kiddos for four days was super challenging, it was also super empowering.

A first birthday celebrated.

Our big ONE year old.

Soaking up the last bit of summer.

Pictures are great, but I so miss writing and have so many things swirling around in my head lately.

My goal for this school year is to write more...silly, serious, sentimental.

Writing helps me process and cope and keep perspective and remember...

so here's hoping the next post is less pictures and more words.

My baby, my last baby, is ONE today!

My sweet Hannah Elizabeth is ONE today.

I am always emotional when my babies turn one, because one is a BIG DEAL. Those first 12 months are a big deal for the babies because they go from a little lump of helpless flesh, to, in our case, a 20 lb ball of nonstop movement, curiosity, and personality. It is incredible to watch all that change happen before your eyes in a quick 365 days. That first year in a baby's life is also a really big deal for the parents, because WE DID IT...alright, mostly I did it, but my husband had to be married to me while I lived through all that those first 12 months take out of a mother. The first twelve months are suuuuuuuper challenging (more on that in the next post)...but the first year is also absolutely positively wonderful.

Despite the challenges and adjustments, I ADORE the first year, and I love the baby stage. Sure it takes a while to get them sleeping properly, sure they need you for everything, sure they are messy and can be fussy, and life with a baby is high-maintenance, but to me, babies are a little bit magical. When my children are babies the mystery and preciousness of them makes me feel connected to their maker, and mine. To me, babies seem to still have a foot in heaven, like they are holding on to that place they came from for a little while longer...it is nice to be near that. The snuggles, the kisses, the comforting, the giggles, the innocence, the purity...loving a baby is a taste of what love can be and should be when it is without agenda and full of thankfulness and joy. Loving my babies reminds me of how much I am loved by the one who gave me life.

Here are a few tidbits about my baby girl on her first birthday. Miss Hannah is smiley and happy, just about all of the time. Church nursery workers and babysitters have nick-named her "Happy Hannah", and describe her as "a little ray of sunshine" and "pure joy." She loves to wave at everyone and her latest thing is to make kissing sounds, sometimes throughout the entire day. Hannah is flexible (because she has to be) and tolerates a lot of love from her sisters, mostly her biggest sister who believes that Hannah is her very own real-life doll. Hannah-banana, or Hanny as Abby calls her, is independent, active, tough, funny, smart (of course she is), and patient.

It is hard to imagine that the first time I learned about Hannah I cried. I cried because she was a surprise, not unwanted AT ALL, just earlier than this planner had planned for. Oh THANK GOD for my early Hannah! She has thrown me off since I learned she was growing inside me and through my imbalance I have been stretched and grown in deeper and wider ways than I thought possible. I am exhausted after year one with three children, but what a gift that it is my blessings that exhaust me and not something else.

Happy birthday little girl. 

You complete our family and you make us all so incredibly happy.

Family Vacation in Illinois: Part 2

10 Highlights Continued.

Click here for 1-5

#6 Sister time. Enough said. Why are these two not my next door neighbors???

It was pretty fun to watch these sisters together too. 

And yes, I have already started encouraging them to be neighbors some day.

#7 Cousins. Oh what joy it brings my heart to watch these kids play together. Painting, dancing, playing games, being silly, swimming, feeding the neighbors horses, face painting, watching movies...these kiddos LOVE each other and can't get enough of each other. This was as good as we could get for the "yellow chair picture" this year (ages 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, 10 months, 8 months).

#8 BIG family reunion. This year we had a reunion within a reunion and we got to spend two wonderful days with my aunt, uncle, cousins (and spouses and kids), and grandparents (Mom's side...the Midwest side). What a treat. Although we were missing three much loved family members and there was a feeling of incompleteness we still thoroughly enjoyed and cherished the time together. It was unbelieveably special to watch my 87 year old Grandma bond with my 10 month old. We also snuck in a girls pedicure and a couple late nights catching up with the cousins after our 9 kiddos were put to bed. We didn't get a big group shot on our camera, but you can trust me that there were 26 of us, and we looked great.

#9 Celebrating Midsummer. Here's the thing you should know about this family of mine...we are Swedish. That is why we call my mom Mormor, sing prayers in a foreign language, eat bland/white food, enjoy water and winter, and find ourselves drawn to the colors yellow and blue. Midsummer is a BIG GIANT holiday in Sweden (we were actually there for it in 1995, all 15 of us)...and my parents decided that if we were going to have this many Swedes together so close to summer solstice then we should raise a maypole, make some flower crowns, let Grandpa break out his fiddle, and eat some meatballs. And that is exactly what we did.

Here is my 93 year old Grandpa playing a Midsummer tune for us.

Yes, this happened too.
 No, I won't be posting that video.

#10 Just being together. Holding babies, playing games, celebrating a 7th birthday, walks, bike rides, water fights, bedtime stories, frozen yogurt, drive-in movie, 15 of us sleeping under one roof, laughing, talking, just enjoying the gift of time together. What a gift it was.

Thank you mom and dad for your gift of hospitality and all your hard work! It was an amazing 10 days.

Until Christmas...
When we will return to barren trees and cold temperatures and I will romanticize the heck out of winter.

Family Vacation in Illinois: Part 1

We got home from Chicago on Monday and now I am in the post-family-vacation phase known as "the great depression". Without fail, every time we return from a week with my family in Illinois I get pretty down because I AM SO SAD I DON'T LIVE BY MY FAMILY, and I miss the Midwest.

There are only three things that help with the great depression:

1. Planning the next time we go there or they come here. As my mom says, "air travel is like childbirth and eventually you do it again because you forget how terrible it is".  I'm sure I will eventually forget about the plane ride on Monday and I will book tickets to Chicago for Christmas, but I'm definitely not there yet.
2. Doing a blog post about the trip that I can look at about a million times in the weeks that follow.
3. Time...after 5-7 days I usually feel better and work on "being all there/here."

That said, here is #2.

Ten highlights from Family Vacation 2013 in Wayne, IL.

#1 Tree house and zip-line. When my dad said he was going to build a tree house and zip-line for our summer vacation I'm pretty sure no one pictured THIS. It was beyond amazing, and lucky for the adults the zip-line held up to 300lbs. This kid-paradise is hidden in their woods behind the house and includes a massive tree house with stained glass, viking head, baby swing, picnic bench, bucket-on-a-pulley, super fun lighting for night, and zip-line. Oh wait, but there is more...there is also a tire swing area, a little "hobbit house", and a small perch to watch and wait for incoming zip-liners. Wow. Just WOW.

Here is the zip-line in action.

#2 Backyard fun. As if the tree house and zip-line area weren't enough there is the regular backyard where we enjoyed watching the kids play in the pool, smash ball (this was the game of the year for the son-in-laws), volleyball, mini car and jeep for the kids to drive, lightning bugs, the hot tub, fire pit, porch and patio. This place gets more out-of-control each year and WE LOVE IT!

#3 Day in Chicago. It truly is "my kind of town". A trip to see my parents always feels incomplete without a trip to the city. My parents graciously kept the babies at home so we could go with the big kids unhindered. We took the train from the suburbs, a water taxi in the city, and enjoyed walking the city streets to our destination. We kept it simple this year and focused our urban energy on Millennium Park where the kids frolicked in the "face fountains" and we admired "the bean". It was a great day in THE BEST city in America (if you ask me).

#4 Weather. If you have ever been to Chicago in July you will appreciate that it was in the 70s and low-80s the entire time we were there...with minimal humidity...it was a minor miracle. We even got one day of rain, which is a novelty for us drought-stricken Californians, so our girls enjoyed a "rain dance" in their swimsuits.

#5 The Midwest. The massive trees, the smell of summer flowers, the huge grassy yards, the bugs, the moisture, the air-conditioning, the warm nights, the (unhealthy) food, the space, the people, the accents, the basements, the corn fields.

I know it is all totally romanticized for me at this point in life, but still, it is my people, my roots, it is all so familiar and comfortable, and the Midwest will always be "home" to me.

One thing that is not romanticized in my mind was bringing the kiddos to put pennies on the railroad tracks and pick berries behind my parents' house (something we used to do as kids at my Grandma's house).

Yes, that was just as Midwest-magical as it sounds.

To be continued...