Over the past few months some REALLY terrible and difficult things have happened to dear friends.
When terrible things happen in life I have come to learn through experience and observation that there are three simple things we can do. Three simple things that can help both the receiver and the giver.
PRAY. Is there a greater gift you can give another person than prayer? And I'm not talking about just saying that you will pray. I'm talking about really praying...regularly...or on the spot...or over the phone...or even through a text or email. This might seem uncomfortable at first, but I have learned through a friend who is in the habit of praying for me at the end of our phone conversations that it is such a gift to be prayed for right then and there. I mean what better thing can you do for someone than implore the God of the universe on their behalf??? Yes, please. Anyone can do that for me, anytime.
GO THERE. I mean physically go there. Sometimes even if they don't want you to go there. Whether it is the hospital, or their home, go there. If you aren't super close to the person just drop something at their door. Or if you live far away, mail something. It is very meaningful to know someone made the effort to come to your home to reach out in support. You can just insist on a quick hug. You don't have to stay long, and there are never "the right words to say" so no point in fretting about that. It is about presence. It is about physically being with someone who is hurting and hurting with them. One of the most meaningful things that has ever happened in my life was when a wonderful friend had heard the news of us losing our baby boy 18 weeks into pregnancy and she showed up at our door, unannounced, with a gallon of milk, ingredients for tacos, tears, and a hug. I have no idea what she said other than "I'm so sorry." I know I didn't want to see anyone at the time, but I was SO GLAD she took the risk and came to see me. I will never forget that.
FOOD. Bring food. Milk, cookies, a full grocery bag, a prepared dinner, a loaf of bread, a gift card for a restaurant, WINE!...whatever. It's simple really, but it is a way to meet a physical need. It helps someone in a fog of grief or sadness or depression to not have to think about one more thing and save their energy.
These three things have made a big difference in my life during a hard time and so I can only imagine that they would make a difference in some way for others. Challenges and sadness will just keep happening in this life, so it is good to get into practice of how to support friends and family when those times come.
I don't want to end this post without some hope so I will share a paraphrase my (therapist) husband often sites from Kahlil Gibran about sadness and joy... "to the extent you truly experience sorrow, you will experience joy." Follow that? If I have known deep sorrow my joy will be bigger and deeper. I think this is true. I know that because of my pregnancy losses I look at my girls differently, more thankfully.In my greatest time of grief my dad shared with me how C.S. Lewis relates sorrow and joy: "the pain now is part of the happiness then." In his book A Grief Observed Lewis reminds us that the pain we confront while living on earth, in what Lewis calls the shadowlands, will - one day - serve to intensify the joy of a shadowless heaven (my dad's quote).
Laura Story has another philosophy on pain in her amazing song Blessings..."What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst than this world can satisfy."
These lofty concepts are things we can come to realize after much time and reflection and I believe really do address the problem of pain and speak of hope and redemption. But in the moment, in the thick of it, we need prayer, presence, and food. We need love and support from people who care about us, or even from strangers.
