Christmas card 2011

As the BEAUTIFUL Christmas cards have been coming in this month (seriously people, you outdid yourselves this year!) it became more clear to me every day that we weren't going to be mailing one.  Why? A lot of reasons, ranging from me being a procrastinator, to not having even one good family photo, to our computer crashing and not wanting to recover all those addresses, to being cheap and green (no, those last two weren't real reasons, but saving money and trees makes me feel much better about the decision).  I recently discovered Smilebox and happily decided to go this route this year. Merry Christmas to all!

This free digital ecard created with Smilebox

What feminism looks like for me (as a mother of girls)

Feminism is a broad, loaded, and complex movement/ideology/theory.

Feminism touches politics, economics, education, religion, family, the workplace, and MOTHERHOOD.

I was raised in a household of all girls, and since we didn't have brothers to watch and compare ourselves to, there wasn't much questioning regarding what girls can do and what boys can do.  My parents raised us to believe (and I still do) that we could do anything we wanted in life.  

To tell you the truth, I never thought about feminism much...until I became a mother of a girl. Then, suddenly, I saw all of the inequality and injustice toward women in the world and my heart raced and ached toward making sure my girls knew they could be anything, and do anything, they wanted in life. My heart is bent on my girls having a strong and healthy self-concept and self-confidence.

I came across a feminist scholar named bell hooks (she purposely doesn't capitalize her name...how, er, feminist of her???) in grad school and I like what she has to say about feminism. You have to read this slowly to absorb it...

“Visionary feminism is a wise and loving politics. It is rooted in the love of male and female being, refusing to privilege one over the other. The soul of feminist politics is the commitment to ending patriarchal domination of women and men, girls and boys. Love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion. Males cannot love themselves in patriarchal culture if their very self-definition relies on submission to patriarchal rules. When men embrace feminist thinking and practice, which emphasizes the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in all relationships, their emotional well-being will be enhanced. A genuine feminist politics always brings us from bondage to freedom, from lovelessness to loving.”  - bell hooks

Amen sister!

I've been reflecting on what feminism looks like for me as a mother of girls on a day-to-day basis, and here are just a few things I have come up with, a few choices I make in order to live out and reinforce certain messages for my kids:

- Books. I like reading books with my kids that highlight moms and dads sharing responsibilities equally. I also look for books that highlight women doing jobs and tasks that the world often assigns to men (carpenter, doctor, dentist, law enforcement, etc.)

- We don't do Barbies. I don't judge you if you do (I was raised playing with them), we just don't.

- I watch my language, especially about appearance and beauty. I did a post about this issue, here.

- I talk to my kids about the fact that staying home to care for them is MY JOB. A blog post I did on that topic (which I will make them read some day), is here. And I always share how blessed I feel that it is my job. Why is this important and "feminist"? Number one, I would never want my girls to grow up and think that being a stay-at-home-mom isn't work. Number two, and most importantly, being an empowered woman doesn't necessarily mean you are a working-outside-of-the-house-for-a-paycheck-mom... and being a stay-at-home-mom doesn't mean you are a disempowered servant. Feminists an be stay-at-home-moms too!

- We go to a church where one of the pastors on staff is a woman. She is a great speaker/leader/teacher. I want my girls to see women up front at church preaching, praying, serving communion, and leading in a variety of roles. Samantha once asked me why all the Bible stories are about boys. Whoa-nelly. The thing is, there are PLENTY of amazing women in the Bible, but she is right, the most often highlighted stories in the Bible are about men. I absolutely positively need to do all I can to reinforce that God loves men and women equally...and He gifts and uses men and women in sometimes different, but equally important, ways. We are all created in His image.

- Dad's role and responsibilities. This is my big one. From the very beginning of parenthood I made a conscious decision not to "own" certain aspects of parenting. I made sure to empower my husband to do all the tasks that I did, and I did my best not to criticize when he did things (as he always does) very differently than me. Parenting is not mother's work. Like bell hooks said, I refuse to privilege the role of mother over father. I don't want my girls thinking that dad's don't do things like change diapers, pick out clothes, make meals, give bottles, or do laundry...oh wait, he doesn't do laundry...ever...oops, better work on that one :) Oh yeah, and dad's don't "babysit" either. It isn't babysitting when it is your own kids. To be honest, I constantly have to work on this general issue. It is much easier to just do things myself. However, if I don't share responsibilities with my husband then I send the message to my kids, my husband, and myself that certain things are all a mom's job...and I don't like that message...or the workload it carries.

I could go on and on, but I've said enough for now. As a woman and a mom I agree with bell hooks' concept of visionary feminism which refuses to privilege male over female, or female over male. OF COURSE men and women do things very differently, and we are most definitely not "the same." But in our differences we need to empower each other, get rid of domination, and encourage mutual growth and self-actualization. And I think all of that starts in the home.

I want my girls to grow up the same way I did...thinking they can do ANYTHING. That's my point. And the responsibility of imparting that message is shared by me AND my husband.

2 great parenting reads

An article and a blog post, both about parenting, came across my screen this week (as is the case most weeks). Both were passed on by mothers I love and respect. I found these reads thought-provoking, convicting, inspiring, and worth passing on.

I have included a little excerpt from each, with a link to the full piece. If you find the time to read these (they are both a bit long) you will be glad you found the time, and you may want to pass them on too.

#1 This first article is something worth considering - it's about current trends in parenting. 

Maybe less is more.

Welcome to the Age of Overparenting How I learned to let my kids be kids. 

By Katherine Ozment. Boston Magazine. 

Illustrations by Larry Ruppert.

...My heart sank. How times had changed. I still remember the time my two older brothers built an igloo in our front yard. It had a domed roof and arched entrance, and they strung an overhead work lamp from the ceiling and laid out a small rug so we could all sit in it for hours. Witnessing my children’s paltry fort-making skills, I thought, Is this what our kids will remember of winter — digging little holes in the snow as their mother hovered nearby? Where has the childhood I once knew gone?

In my nine years as a parent, I’ve followed the rules, protocols, and cultural cues that have promised to churn out well-rounded, happy, successful children. I’ve psychoanalyzed my kids’ behavior, supervised an avalanche of activities, and photo-documented their day-to-day existence as if I were a wildlife photographer on the Serengeti. I do my utmost to develop their minds and build up their confidence, while at the same time living with the constant low-level fear that bad things will happen to them. But lately, I’ve begun to wonder if, by becoming so attuned to their every need and so controlling of their every move, I’ve somehow played a small part in changing the very nature of their childhood. 

I know that if I continue on this path, not only will my kids never have the wherewithal to build an igloo after a snowstorm, they won’t even have the freedom or imagination to try. Watching them play halfheartedly in their meager little forts, I knew I had to change... Click here for full article

#2 And for those of us trying to keep Christ in Christmas...

Here is a strong, honest and counter-cultural blog post full of ideas for a more meaningful Christmas.

It is written by one of my favorite authors who I have mentioned on this blog before, here.

 The Christmas Conundrum 
by Jen Hatmaker

...What happened to Christmas? What on earth happened to it? When did it transform from something simple and beautiful to what it is now? How insidiously did the enemy work to slowly hijack Jesus' birth and hand it over on a silver platter to Big Marketing, tricking His own followers into financing the confiscation?

We all know it. We all feel it. Every year we bear this tension. Each December, the world feels off kilter. But in the absence of a better plan or an alternative rhythm or - let's just say it - courage, we feed the machine yet again, giving Jesus lip service while teaching our kids to ask Santa for whatever they want, because, you know, that's really what Christmas boils down to.

I just cannot take it anymore, y'all. I cannot.

What if a bunch of us pulled out of the system? What if we said something very radical and un-American, like: "Our family is going to celebrate Jesus this year in a manner worthy of a humble Savior who was born to two poor teenagers in a barn and yet still managed to rescue humanity."

I'm going to throw out some ideas for what I hope is a more meaningful Christmas; you may take some and leave some. Good reader, you may take none. Maybe you'll tweak an idea to fit your family. You might say, "For the love of Baby Jesus! She's ruining everything! We'll try one little thing this year, ok?! And then we'll quit reading her blog." Here goes... Click here for full post

A weekend with Mark

Our great friend Mark came to visit this weekend. He was the "best man" in our wedding, and we all went to college together. Mark is a special friend to our family, and our girls just adore him.

In addition to being "best man" material, Mark is a really talented professional photographer. He specializes in engagements and weddings. Check out his work at his website www.markkuroda.com

We had a fun-filled weekend with Mark...eating Indian food, watching Crazy, Stupid, Love (awesome movie!), having a little beach playtime, and the grand finale...a trip to Seaworld. It is particularly entertaining for us to see our crazy life through Mark's eyes. And just for the record, I think he enjoyed Seaworld as much, if not more, than the girls. Single guys don't get to Seaworld much.

Click here for a 53 second slide show (to music) of some of our outings this past weekend. Thank you Mark for the slideshow and pictures below!

It was great to have Mark here and we hope he comes back again soon.

Shamu's Christmas Show is a fabulous and wondrous Christmas experience.

Choirs, candles, soloists, Christmas music, melodrama, killer whales jumping in unison...what's not to love. 

If you haven't seen it yet and have a pass to Seaworld...GO...it will not disappoint.

Through the eyes of a child

These are two pictures from a play-date last week.

I LOVE these pictures. They speak of the wonder and simple joys and energy of childhood.

One thing I really appreciate about this time of year is how much easier it is to see life through the eyes of children. The lights, the tree, the manger, the wonder, the mystery, the gifts, the music...I feel like I am experiencing it all afresh thanks to my children.

I'm trying to savor every day of this advent season as we get closer and closer to Christmas.

I hope you are too.

This post is for my Grandparents...but you can check it out too.

Hi Grandma and Grandpa!

Look what I did with the glass containers and candle holders you were going to get rid of in October...

I have a little piece of you in my Christmas decor this year

...sitting on your dining room table no less!

Thanks...I love you...see you on the 25th.

And for all my family members (and friends) who won't be in my home this holiday season,
here is a little glimpse of some of our other Christmas decorations.

My crafty sister Katie made this advent calendar.

Hanging this star by a ribbon is about as crafty as I get. 

Clearly those genes went to my sisters.

Three years ago today

Today is the third anniversary of the loss our baby boy, 18 weeks into pregnancy. Some of his story is here.

The paperwhite narcissus is the December birth flower, and a dearly loved friend gave me some paperwhite bulbs to plant in our yard in remembrance of Benjamin. She hoped they would bloom each December, and indeed, they are blooming now.

Every year I have experienced this day differently. The first anniversary was heart-wrenching, and nerve-racking because I was pregnant with Abby. The second anniversary was a strange combination of sorrow and joy as I mourned for the little boy I never knew and rejoiced for the 8 month old girl we now had. Three years later, all that this date represents is forming a more clear chapter in my story...our baby feels like an angel watching and waiting...and Abby's life and presence in our family is an extra special blessing I cannot fathom living without.

Today I honor our baby by sharing the last few lines of a lament I wrote 3 months after our loss. A lament is simply a passionate expression of grief. Writing this poem was a major step of healing for me then, and continues to be now. My hope in sharing some of what I wrote is that perhaps someone else will be comforted, or possibly it will encourage someone to write a lament for some type of loss in their own life.

Benjamin Joseph, December 8, 2008

a portion of a mother's lament...

We held you and kissed you on that dark winter night

The darkness is fading, I see glimpses of light

I will carry forever the pain of this loss

Knowing it will be made right, thanks to the cross

The cross that unites us with our Father above

The cross where He reached out in His perfect love

With the cross I have hope, I will see you again

Knowing my pain now increases my joy then

Father God, I know deep down in my heart

That my child is with You, never to part

Christopher's son, Samantha's little brother

I thank you Lord that I am Benjamin's mother

If you think the full version of this poem might be an encouragement to you, or someone you know, 

please contact me here and I would be happy to share it with you.

Christmas traditions, San Diego style.

This past weekend was FULL of Christmas traditions, new and old.

Friday night we got a tree. 

 It is still a strange experience for this Midwest gal to encounter palm trees while searching for our Christmas tree. It feels a little wrong. In my mind, you are supposed to be wearing gloves and walking through snow while hunting for Oh Tannenbaum, not watching palm fronds sway in the breeze.

But then, at home, I noticed this...

Do you see what I see?
PALM TREES...there were palm trees at THE Nativity. Bethlehem = Mediterranean climate.
I guess palm trees and Christmas do actually go together. I feel much better.

On Saturday Chris put the lights on the house (only 1 trip to Home Depot), 
and we went to our local Holiday Parade in the evening. 

We attended the parade last year, so I suppose two years in a row makes it a tradition. 

This time we saw a lot of friends and even stayed to the end (it's a REALLY long parade).

The kids did amazing and I got to wear my down jacket which made me very happy.

Sunday we did something that I hope to make a Christmas tradition. 

We forked over A LOT of money to park, rent skates, and do this... 

We went skating at the Hotel Del Coronado...and it was kind of magical.  

Sam sincerely enjoyed her first attempt on ice and seeing her determination was adorable.

What a wild and crazy experience to watch waves crash while on ice skates.

Sunday night we went to our church's Christmas concert called 'Many Moods'. 

This is the third year we have enjoyed an almost heavenly hour and a half of music performed by professionals and amateurs. The night included...orchestra, choirs, soloists, classical, contemporary, jazz.
I spent a lot of the time with tears in my eyes or chills, resting and reflecting.
It felt like a gift.

Oh yeah, and one more Christmas tradition that we definitely took part in this weekend
was consuming a ridiculous amount of cookies. One of my favorite traditions. 

'Tis the season!

This is as close as we get to a snowman around this town.

Kids Books...10 of our Favorites

Ok, let's be honest...there are a lot of WEIRD kids books out there.

You know the kind. The ones you stumble through because the writing is cumbersome, or the kind where you close the back cover and think "what was that about?" or "what was the message there?" or "I need to screen these suckers before we bring them home from the library." Is it just me who has had this experience?

I recently heard a speaker at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group who spoke about the power and importance of stories. He emphasized that kids learn through stories, not lectures or speeches. We have all had the experience of learning something important through a story, and kids books are no exception.

In the spirit of giving gift suggestions, you can't go wrong with books, and here are 10 of our family favorites. These are books that have wonderful lessons to share, reinforce certain values, are fun to read, and many of them are beautifully illustrated as well.

Here we go...

#1 This is a great book for exposing kids to travel, adventure, and other countries, while also reinforcing that it is A-O-K to be a homebody and enjoy your humble abode and familiar surroundings.

#2  I seriously get choked up almost every time I read this (although, for me, that isn't saying much). This gorgeous book speaks to the fact that every child is unique, amazing, and one-of-a-kind. It makes a great baby gift too.

#3  LOVE this book! My girls enjoy seeing the faces of kids from all over the world and it helps introduce the the idea that even when we look different we have so much in common with each other. I've never seen this book in a store, but you can get it through Amazon or Compassion.

#4 The feminist in me loves this book. The thriftiness in me loves it too, because it is two books in one. The message here is that Mommies and Daddies can do the same things. Dads can sew and Moms can throw baseballs. Yes, indeed.

#5 A great book for introducing adoption. This book highlights China adoption, and is about a single mom.

#6 A touching story about giving and sharing and the reward of friendship that can come from doing so.

#7 This is the best kids book I have read that portrays life in another country, that country being Kenya. It is beautifully illustrated, has a different sort of African cadence, and teaches a few Swahili words too.

#8 This series is so great for keeping kids connected and familiar with special places for your family.

#9  Best kids Bible. Honestly, I think every adult also needs to read this book from cover to cover. It is a like a CliffNotes version of the Bible and can teach old and young alike that the Bible truly is one continuous love story, from start to finish. Think of it as The Message for kiddos.

#10  And in the spirit of the season, I don't think a more magical or beautiful Christmas tale will ever be written. I still get chills when I read it.

Never underestimate the power of stories.

Whether for your own family, or another, books are always a great gift. 

But not the weird ones.

Happy Christmas shopping. 

What is your favorite kids book?

The gift of a date...or Venice meets Coronado

Here is a Christmas gift-giving idea for you this year...give a date.

A few years ago the four couples that make up my side of the family drew another couple's name for Christmas, the mission being to give that couple a date. We had a budget, and the thinking was that instead of spending a little money on a lot of people we could give one couple a really nice night out. It also supported the desire to receive less "stuff."

The first year we did this version of gift-giving Chris and I were given an AWESOME date to a Cajun style cooking class at a cooking school in the Denver area. It was fun, yummy, educational, and inspired us to buy a really nice chopping knife (which makes us feel like better cooks).

We tried out the date idea last year with Chris' family and we were given another WONDERFUL date, which we finally redeemed this past weekend (thanks to grandparents willing to babysit).

Here is what we did...

A sunset gondola ride through the Coronado Cays! 

It was scenic, peaceful, romantic, different, private, included a complimentary appetizer plate and a bottle of wine (provided by us)...and our gondolier even sang (quite well, thankfully). It was lovely.

If you have a special couple in your life and don't know what to give them, put a date together for them. 

If you live in the San Diego area, consider The Gondola Company as a gift for someone else...or for yourself.  If you want to add dinner, there is a fabulous French restaurant at the nearby Loews Coronado Bay Resort called Mistral, which was one of the best dining experiences we have ever had and includes great views of the bridge and the city.

We are giving dates again this year between my sisters and I need to start doing my research on great dates in Nashville. Any suggestions?

'O Sole Mio